Breakup Season

Image: m_bartosch / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

"And now that we're here, it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
And I can't forget, that I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today"-Staind 'So Far Away'-

Tonight's post is a little personal.

Is it breakup season right now? Quite a few of my friends have been breaking up recently. And it happened to me too. I read an article recently, stating that breakups tend to spike just before the festive season and Valentine's Day. Why? I don't know... Aside from the financial benefits of saving significantly on Christmas and Valentine's Day presents maybe?

When I started writing this blog a few months ago, I really intended to contribute towards dating/relationsip advice on the Net. No doubt there's a glut of advice out there (including a lot of rubbish), but I thought I could help others by sharing my own personal perspective. I believed that being happy in my relationship somehow 'qualified' me to give advice. Forgive me for being egotistical and condescending. One of the things I've learnt from my own breakup is that noone has all the answers, least of all me.

But I will continue to write.

This post is for you. You who went through that break up. And for me too. Don't we all love to see a wonderfully happy couple that made it through thick and thin and seem destined to be together forever? And also the old couple that made their marriage last over decades till death did them part. Sweet. Wonderful eternal love. I still believe in that. I still believe in that while realizing it may never happen for some. And while realizing that some may never want that kind of love anyway. And while realizing that for some, that love may only come at the end of a road lined with heartbreaks and breakups.

Breakups hurt. I know. I feel you. I'm with you. But perhaps ten years from now we'll look back and realize, that it was not just the only way, but it was the best way.

What are we but the sum of all our experiences, habits, loves and hates? While the past has made you the person you are today, it doesn't have to affect your future in any way you don't want. So make your peace, and realize that there's a whole wonderful future out there that is yours to live. Whether you're single or attached today, it may not be your choice, but it is your reality. Whichever it is, I'm happy for you. Be happy for you too.

[A bit of good news to lift the season - About a week ago a dear friend of mine told me she just got together with her new boyfriend. While I've been waiting for it for quite awhile now, I'm happy it's finally official. I wish you the best Sue]

Food For Thought

Not in the best frame of mind to write anything right now, but I love the article below and think there's a lot to take from it (Do note it's 18+ & NSFW)

http://www.practicalpickup.com/tales-of-three-lays-part-three

Go Love Someone

Image: kongsky / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

"You can give without loving, but you cannot love wihtout giving" -Amy Carmichael-

Among many things I've been called before, some of the most popular ones are 'Idealistic', 'Dreamer' & 'Skema', but it's Valentine's day, so indulge me a little.

I think we live in a cold world. Perhaps it's social conditioning and bad experiences, but most people are cold, blocked by a wall of ice to prevent themselves from the potential of getting hurt. How did we get here? We are social creatures, meant to share in the blessings of warm loving relationships.

There's been a bit of controversy recently about Valentine's Day celebrations in Malaysia, supposedly celebrating Valentine's Day might be immoral and it's a practice of a certain religion. While I will refuse to criticize anyone or comment about religion and culture, I cannot for the life of me understand why a day to celebrate love should be deemed immoral. Wouldn't the world be a much better place if there was much more love around?

Perhaps our definition of Valentine's Day and love has been skewered by the perception that it's only for couples and lovers and it must be accompanied by over-priced flowers, excessive romantic dinners & arguably immoral activities after dinner. Can we define love by such a narrow view? Maybe that's why so many singles actually dread Valentine's Day.

(With all due respect to those who say that Valentine's Day is everyday and we they should treat their partner special everyday) I think the idea of a special day to celebrate love is a wonderful thing. And that love doesn't have to be just between a boy and a girl in a relationship. What about family and dear friends?

I don't know your parents, but unless they believe that Valentine's Day is a pagan and immoral celebration, I think they'd be happy if their children made an effort to celebrate and spend some time with them. Heck, I think they'd be touched with just a card or a phone call.

So what if you're single, searching for the right one but can't find him/her and the festivities just make you feel miserable? Try giving freely of yourself and your attentions to someone who needs it more than you do. Make someone less fortunate happy, or go cheer up some other lonely soul. In the idealistic happiness model, true happiness is found in giving oneself to serve others. And in the idealistic dating theory model, those who find contentment within themselves become incredibly attractive to others and soon find that love comes calling.

Happy Valentine's day. Go love someone.

The Everyday Man's Creed

By Wikipedia Loves Art participant "shooting_brooklyn" [CC-BY-SA-2.5], via Wikimedia Commons

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..

...

While I may not be rich I must have ambition

What I lack in talent I will make up by action

While I may not be handsome I will be well groomed

What I lack in physique I will make up in the gymroom

While I may not be smooth I will practice speaking

What I lack in knowledge I will make up through learning

While I may not be sure I will ask for the number

What I lack in style I will make up being bolder

When I am fearful that's when I will act

I will not allow rejections to hold me back

I will bring value to all my interactions

I will lead them beyond satisfaction 

To this end I must believe and strive

Be a better man each day I'm alive

So will the magic of attraction thrive

And thus will I be the prize

...

..

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The Living Soul

 Image: luigi diamanti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

'It's the heart afraid of dying, that never learns to dance; It's the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance; It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give; And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live.' - Bette Midler

How's the new year gone so far? Made any resolutions? Or... perhaps broken one already?

The truth is, everybody fumbles and falls sometimes. I was thinking of writing a whole list of new year resolutions for improving one's love life, but some recent events have taught me best laid plans don't necessarily succeed. So today I'm just here to encourage you. [We'll leave the preaching and 'top 10 ways to make her smile' for another day] Wherever you are, and whatever position you may be in right now, it's alright if things are not going as intended.

It's really OK.

Sometimes we tend to be a little too harsh on ourselves, especially in matters of the heart. So if you need to, take that bit of time, cry a little, and be still. Just never give up trying for something better later.

This year, I hope you'll take chances, dance, give & take and truly live. And I hope that there's that special someone beside you all the way too.

Happy New Year

November Rain

 

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
And no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my own 

Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

 

[Guns n Roses: November Rain]

Some meaningful lyrics for all of you who are dealing with challenges / obstacles. Just keep at it and things will be fine one day.

The Pick Up Line

'My magic watch says you're not wearing any underwear'

'Oh you're wrong. I definitely am'

'Damn, it's gone 15 minutes early again'

[It's been awhile. I've slipped. Due to a combination of being ultra busy, writer's block and dis-inspiration, I just haven't found the drive to write. Things have stabilized somewhat though, so here we go again]

Yes, the pick up line. Subject of interest and fascination by those who believe in magic super lines that will cause the ladies to smile, swoon and melt. Also the subject of scorn and late party discussions of 'what's the worst one you ever heard?'

Here's the bad news. Magic super lines? Don't exist.

The good news? Lines really aren't worth that much. Some tend to over-analyze and over-emphasize, but they're just a means of initiating a conversation. What's more important is the complete approach which may include but is not limited to the following:

1. Not appearing like a desperado/creepy serial killer/sex-crazed rapist
2. Being well dressed and well groomed
3. Keeping confident body language & smile
4. Reading the responses of the target audience - some people may just be having a bad day and not interested in intercourse (conversation) - just move on
5. Keeping the conversation light and humorous - steering away from overly serious topics - life/death, religion, politics, the effects of $86/barrel oil prices on the Malaysian economy...
6. Having fun, without expectations

Want a little conversation to try? "Hey, I've gtg in awhile but I'd like your opinion on something. Do you think pick up lines work?"

So what do I think is the world's best pick up line?

"Hello"

p.s. if you guys have any great pick up lines do send them over for mutual discussion, laughs and improvement :)

Till Death Do Us Part

"… in sickness and in health, till death do us part"

I was at an childhood friend’s wedding yesterday. It was wonderful, meeting up with old friends, seeing so many of them already having beautiful partners of their own, and most importantly, celebrating the union of my good old buddy with his life partner. I wish him and his lovely wife the best.

Wedding vows are sacred. But it is sad to see the current high rate of divorce in our society. Perhaps not as bad as some other countries, but in my native Malaysia, more than 15% of people who get married eventually get divorced. What gives?

While I think a lot of marriages fail because one or both parties are just not really committed to making it work, there a whole lot of other people out there too who are sincere and try, only to see their marriage and relationships break down.

A very wise person once told me: ‘Don’t think that marriage solves relationship problems; it only amplifies them’. Which brings me to my point. Too many of us tend to rush when it comes to matters of the heart. From jumping into a relationship when barely knowing a stranger, to moving in together too quickly, to overlooking critical character defects, people do all sorts or rash things when in love.

For those who are into long-term relationships and eventually marriage: I believe dating should be a process of two people getting to know each other, assessing whether they are right for each other and seeing whether they can spend their lives together. High standards and a level head are important. While butterflies in the stomach might get in judgement’s way for awhile, time is a great friend. For when all the initial euphoria and excitement fades, that’s when two people can start to see deep into each other's characters.

I wish that everyone who got together could have a happy fairytale ending, but life is never ideal. There will always be risks, and yes risks need to be taken in love. But if people were more careful and selective, perhaps we would see a lot more lasting and happy marriages.

Mental Action Point: Keep high standards if you’re on the lookout for a partner, for character doesn’t easily change. Overlooking critical character flaws could just come back to haunt one day in the future.

The small Things

"Watch your thoughts, for they become your words; Watch your words, for they become your actions; Watch your actions, for they become your habits; Watch your habits, for they become your character; Watch your character for it becomes your destiny" -anonymous (Gandhi?)-

I was talking to an old friend last night about New Year resolutions and realized that it's already mid-October. 2 months to go and another new year beckons. How have you fared with this year's new year resolutions?

I find it sobering that the average person (assuming a 70 year life span) only has just over 25000 days to live before it's time to go. Yet, we're often so busy with our lives that our days and months just slip away quickly without us accomplishing much. There are giants among us, whose relentless drive and iron will bring them much success and achievement. But for the rest of us mortals, sometimes we're just too tired at the end of the day to even think of improving our lives in any way.

Here's where I believe the mind and the small things are important. Our lives can be improved over time by firstly setting our minds on a goal, and then taking simple baby steps towards that goal everyday. By having a goal, our subconscious mind starts looking out for opportunities that might eventually lead towards achieving it. And taking small steps is easy, relatively painless, but will definitely reap benefits over time.

A simple example: Brad feels shy and uncomfortable talking to women. So he writes down his goal as to overcome shyness and to be able to talk to women his age without feeling overly nervous. He starts working towards his goal by simply saying hello to his neighbors every morning...

Have a wonderful, achieving final few months of the year.

Simple Action Point: Decide everyday that you want to improve yourself and get better at your relationships/dating life (or anything else you want). Your thoughts subconsciously control your behavior, and ultimately your destiny. While thoughts without action is never enough, setting the right mindset puts you on the right path towards achieving your goals. And if you're prepared to take action, you'll find you can change your life.

Beauty and the BMW

"Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it" -Confucius-

Here's something fundamental to think about: First impressions. 

The whole attraction process may be complicated, but it all starts with that first glance, look or interaction. Mental images of a person are created very quickly once any interaction is made. The bad news is that if that mental image is not the desired one, it takes a lot to change that image. On the other hand, once a great first impression is made, it sets the right stage for any future progress.

Impressions count. Men are visual creatures. It may sound shallow and superficial but at first, men are attracted by physical beauty.

What to do? A little effort in dressing up and firming up always brings the boys to the yard.

The rules change a little though for women. Yes, women too are attracted to physical beauty, but how many times have you seen a totally gorgeous 10/10 babe out with a plain looking guy? There are a lot of things women notice initially about a guy. While men are usually very simply either breast or leg men, women (consciously or unconsciously) may check out things like height, dressing, posture, cleanliness, tidiness, shoes, type of car, eye contact and voice tone. I've settled on the word status to loosely describe these. Just like how men initially are attracted by looks, women are initially attracted by men they perceive to have high status.

What to do? Practice traits and behaviors of a high status man, like standing straight, holding eye contact, speaking confidently and dressing well. It'll help in other aspects of life as well, such as career. If you drive a BMW, make sure it's clean.

Of course relationships are a lot more than just outer appearances. I strongly believe that personalities show through over time, and those are what really make or break a relationship. That being said, it would never hurt one's dating life to put on a more attractive appearance everyday. Marketing a product well is often as important as having a great product.

Extremely Simple Action Point: Smile more. Works for everyone. A sincere smile makes a person look approachable, happy and positive; all of which are wonderful for raising attraction in the opposite sex :) (Unless of course you already have too many admirers and want to lose some)

Lessons from The Past

“I need someone whom I can admire and look up to…”

And that was it. The end. The conversation lasted a little longer, as I tried to reason, to try and convince her that we would be happy together and how much I loved her. But the decision was final. She said she was sorry that she had to do it over the phone, and I hung up a little while after. Later that day I found out that she had found someone else, and was now in a relationship.

Sally had never been my girlfriend. Just someone whom I really adored and thought would be ‘the one’ for me. I was crushed though. We had dated awhile, and I thought that things were progressing well. I had devoted so much of my life trying to win her over, and now she didn’t want me anymore. Seemed like my whole world just went dark. Overseas, in a foreign country, I didn’t really have anyone to turn to except ironically, over the phone too.

“Why is this happening to me?” “It’s not fair.” “I’ve put in so much effort.” “She’s making a mistake.” “If only she could see me face to face, maybe things would be different…” The thoughts went on and on. The pain and bitterness came next. My constant companions over the next few days and weeks, I shut myself out and listened only to them.

Time passed, and eventually though, I came to my senses and started thinking again. I had always been interested in attraction and relationships, but this painful experience taught me firsthand so many things that I had only read about before. Looking back, I realize there was so much to learn beyond all the self pity and grief that had blinded me:

1. Effort is not a guarantee for success in dating. One could put in years of blood and sweat, but if the wrong things are being done, it will probably still end in failure.
2. If there is a place where effort is necessary, it’s internal effort. Focus internally on becoming a better and more attractive person, instead of focusing attention outwards. (e.g. Learn to speak powerfully and confidently instead of telling her lines that you think will make her laugh and impress her)
3. For the guys: Be someone whom she can look up to and admire. Be her leader, inspiration and source of strength. Don’t be ‘too nice’, bend over backwards to grant her every desire, or try to ‘understand’ every single detail about her. That is a job for her female BFF, not you.
4. Always remember that dating is a 2-way situation where both parties assess their suitability for each other. Never be desperate or pursue someone as if you can’t live without them. You can.
5. Sometimes, things are just not meant to be between two people. It’s just a part of life. Realize when it’s time to move on. Mr. or Ms. Right could be just around the corner if you bother to look.

Action point: Look deep into yourself for failures and bad experiences you buried long ago and tried to forget. Forgetting does not make us stronger or wiser. But accepting what has passed and learning from it does. Accept that those experiences will always be a part of you; but only in the sense that you have learnt from your mistakes, healed the wounds and moved on.

Thank you Sally.

Scarcity

"Everybody needs a little time away, I heard her say, from each other.

Even lovers need a holiday, Far away from each other"

-Chicago, 'Hard to Say I'm Sorry'-

If you're an attractive female reader, do you remember how a typical clueless guy tries to convince you to like/go out on a date with him? Well usually he starts by messaging & calling you all the time. Then, if you do go out with him, he calls you even more, tries to impress you with his stories and might even start bombarding you with gifts. If you're lucky enough to get someone who's 'in touch with his feelings', he might even start declaring his undying love for you (nevermind the fact that he's only known you for 2 weeks). While some of you might like the attention/surprises, eventually you do get bored of the constant smothering and end up invisible on your msn/yahoo messenger, and start ignoring the calls and messages. Sound familiar?

There are many lessons to be learned here. However lets focus on the concept of scarcity. Just like in economics, when something is scarce/not easily obtainable, its value rises. Think of your time & efforts everyday as being a valuable resource. If you choose to spend all your time and efforts mindlessly pursuing a person, your value in his/her eyes typically plummets. This has the unwanted effect of making you look predictable and boring. It's not about playing games or playing hard-to-get. Just that a person becomes so much more attractive when he/she has a vibrant, interesting life on his/her own. And when that said attractive person comes along and offers you a chance to be part of that interesting life, would you say no? Compare that with someone who acts like a desperado, constantly begging you to illuminate his life with your presence, because it's all dark in there without you.

Someone once wrote to 'give her space to fall'. True. Another author wrote something along the lines of 'A person doesn't fall in love with you when you're together having fun. She falls in love with you when you're apart; she's missing you, thinking of you, and wondering if you're thinking of her.' True? I'd say so.

Scarcity is not neglect. If two people are in a relationship, the rules obviously change. Spending more time together is a necessity for two people to grow in a relationship, and love each other more. However, new couples often make the mistake of spending too much time with each other and neglecting other people/areas of their lives. Instead of enriching their lives with new people and experiences, their social circles become smaller and smaller, leaving only them in it at the end. It is perfectly natural to feel like spending every single moment of the day with the one you love, but some time apart allows each person to grow as individuals, become more interesting and ultimately make the relationship healthier. After all, it is a great feeling to miss your loved one for a little while, and then meet him/her in a warm embrace.

Action Point: Spend some time on a new hobby that's positive and productive. Pick up a new language, work out at a gym, or just expand your knowledge by reading up on your favorite subject. It'll make you more interesting and attractive.

In The Beginning

"And the LORD God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet for him'... And the rib which the LORD God had taken from man, made He a woman and brought her unto the man." -Genesis 2, The Bible-

We've been around for a long time haven't we? Male, and female that is. Somehow as a species we've managed to reproduce for thousands of years (at least), yet a lot of us have difficulty understanding the opposite sex. Complaints I hear everyday range from 'I just don't understand what my partner wants' to 'women are crazy' to the simple 'men (sigh)' (said in the most dismissive tone possible). There are the fairytale romances and happy endings, but sadly there are a just lot more people out there who are dissatisfied with their love/dating lives.

Consider the idea that it is very possible for a person to become much better at this aspect of their life. It might take a lot of patience, effort and labor but just like everything else worth doing in life, success/mastery does not come easily. People often say phrases like 'just be yourself' and 'stop reading/doing stuff like that, it's fake and pretentious' when they see someone consciously trying to improve their love lives. I believe this is flawed thinking. Do you remember back when you were a little kid and you did something wrong that made a friend/sibling cry? Did your infinitely wiser mom say 'Oh don't worry. Just be yourself, we'll hope things work out well between you two', or did she say '[insert name]! That's horrible! I never want to see this kind of behavior again. Go apologize to your friend/sibling.' And so, over the years, through our wiser elders and practice, we got better at social/relationship skills until we could get along with others in society.

In the same way, there are good and bad practices that will either enhance or diminish our success in love. And yes, it is still possible to retain one's personality while improving their relationship skills. (Unless of course, the personality traits themselves are making the person unsuccessful. In that case it would probably be wise to change the personality). No matter what's the level of your dating/relationship skills, they can be worked on and improved.

Action point: Spend some time thinking and doing something simple to improve your skills every week. Examples: If you're in a relationship - write your partner something sweet, if you're single and looking - say hi to a beautiful stranger, if you're single and not looking - call up an old friend for a meal.

It'll be worth it.