Lessons from The Past

“I need someone whom I can admire and look up to…”

And that was it. The end. The conversation lasted a little longer, as I tried to reason, to try and convince her that we would be happy together and how much I loved her. But the decision was final. She said she was sorry that she had to do it over the phone, and I hung up a little while after. Later that day I found out that she had found someone else, and was now in a relationship.

Sally had never been my girlfriend. Just someone whom I really adored and thought would be ‘the one’ for me. I was crushed though. We had dated awhile, and I thought that things were progressing well. I had devoted so much of my life trying to win her over, and now she didn’t want me anymore. Seemed like my whole world just went dark. Overseas, in a foreign country, I didn’t really have anyone to turn to except ironically, over the phone too.

“Why is this happening to me?” “It’s not fair.” “I’ve put in so much effort.” “She’s making a mistake.” “If only she could see me face to face, maybe things would be different…” The thoughts went on and on. The pain and bitterness came next. My constant companions over the next few days and weeks, I shut myself out and listened only to them.

Time passed, and eventually though, I came to my senses and started thinking again. I had always been interested in attraction and relationships, but this painful experience taught me firsthand so many things that I had only read about before. Looking back, I realize there was so much to learn beyond all the self pity and grief that had blinded me:

1. Effort is not a guarantee for success in dating. One could put in years of blood and sweat, but if the wrong things are being done, it will probably still end in failure.
2. If there is a place where effort is necessary, it’s internal effort. Focus internally on becoming a better and more attractive person, instead of focusing attention outwards. (e.g. Learn to speak powerfully and confidently instead of telling her lines that you think will make her laugh and impress her)
3. For the guys: Be someone whom she can look up to and admire. Be her leader, inspiration and source of strength. Don’t be ‘too nice’, bend over backwards to grant her every desire, or try to ‘understand’ every single detail about her. That is a job for her female BFF, not you.
4. Always remember that dating is a 2-way situation where both parties assess their suitability for each other. Never be desperate or pursue someone as if you can’t live without them. You can.
5. Sometimes, things are just not meant to be between two people. It’s just a part of life. Realize when it’s time to move on. Mr. or Ms. Right could be just around the corner if you bother to look.

Action point: Look deep into yourself for failures and bad experiences you buried long ago and tried to forget. Forgetting does not make us stronger or wiser. But accepting what has passed and learning from it does. Accept that those experiences will always be a part of you; but only in the sense that you have learnt from your mistakes, healed the wounds and moved on.

Thank you Sally.

Scarcity

"Everybody needs a little time away, I heard her say, from each other.

Even lovers need a holiday, Far away from each other"

-Chicago, 'Hard to Say I'm Sorry'-

If you're an attractive female reader, do you remember how a typical clueless guy tries to convince you to like/go out on a date with him? Well usually he starts by messaging & calling you all the time. Then, if you do go out with him, he calls you even more, tries to impress you with his stories and might even start bombarding you with gifts. If you're lucky enough to get someone who's 'in touch with his feelings', he might even start declaring his undying love for you (nevermind the fact that he's only known you for 2 weeks). While some of you might like the attention/surprises, eventually you do get bored of the constant smothering and end up invisible on your msn/yahoo messenger, and start ignoring the calls and messages. Sound familiar?

There are many lessons to be learned here. However lets focus on the concept of scarcity. Just like in economics, when something is scarce/not easily obtainable, its value rises. Think of your time & efforts everyday as being a valuable resource. If you choose to spend all your time and efforts mindlessly pursuing a person, your value in his/her eyes typically plummets. This has the unwanted effect of making you look predictable and boring. It's not about playing games or playing hard-to-get. Just that a person becomes so much more attractive when he/she has a vibrant, interesting life on his/her own. And when that said attractive person comes along and offers you a chance to be part of that interesting life, would you say no? Compare that with someone who acts like a desperado, constantly begging you to illuminate his life with your presence, because it's all dark in there without you.

Someone once wrote to 'give her space to fall'. True. Another author wrote something along the lines of 'A person doesn't fall in love with you when you're together having fun. She falls in love with you when you're apart; she's missing you, thinking of you, and wondering if you're thinking of her.' True? I'd say so.

Scarcity is not neglect. If two people are in a relationship, the rules obviously change. Spending more time together is a necessity for two people to grow in a relationship, and love each other more. However, new couples often make the mistake of spending too much time with each other and neglecting other people/areas of their lives. Instead of enriching their lives with new people and experiences, their social circles become smaller and smaller, leaving only them in it at the end. It is perfectly natural to feel like spending every single moment of the day with the one you love, but some time apart allows each person to grow as individuals, become more interesting and ultimately make the relationship healthier. After all, it is a great feeling to miss your loved one for a little while, and then meet him/her in a warm embrace.

Action Point: Spend some time on a new hobby that's positive and productive. Pick up a new language, work out at a gym, or just expand your knowledge by reading up on your favorite subject. It'll make you more interesting and attractive.

In The Beginning

"And the LORD God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet for him'... And the rib which the LORD God had taken from man, made He a woman and brought her unto the man." -Genesis 2, The Bible-

We've been around for a long time haven't we? Male, and female that is. Somehow as a species we've managed to reproduce for thousands of years (at least), yet a lot of us have difficulty understanding the opposite sex. Complaints I hear everyday range from 'I just don't understand what my partner wants' to 'women are crazy' to the simple 'men (sigh)' (said in the most dismissive tone possible). There are the fairytale romances and happy endings, but sadly there are a just lot more people out there who are dissatisfied with their love/dating lives.

Consider the idea that it is very possible for a person to become much better at this aspect of their life. It might take a lot of patience, effort and labor but just like everything else worth doing in life, success/mastery does not come easily. People often say phrases like 'just be yourself' and 'stop reading/doing stuff like that, it's fake and pretentious' when they see someone consciously trying to improve their love lives. I believe this is flawed thinking. Do you remember back when you were a little kid and you did something wrong that made a friend/sibling cry? Did your infinitely wiser mom say 'Oh don't worry. Just be yourself, we'll hope things work out well between you two', or did she say '[insert name]! That's horrible! I never want to see this kind of behavior again. Go apologize to your friend/sibling.' And so, over the years, through our wiser elders and practice, we got better at social/relationship skills until we could get along with others in society.

In the same way, there are good and bad practices that will either enhance or diminish our success in love. And yes, it is still possible to retain one's personality while improving their relationship skills. (Unless of course, the personality traits themselves are making the person unsuccessful. In that case it would probably be wise to change the personality). No matter what's the level of your dating/relationship skills, they can be worked on and improved.

Action point: Spend some time thinking and doing something simple to improve your skills every week. Examples: If you're in a relationship - write your partner something sweet, if you're single and looking - say hi to a beautiful stranger, if you're single and not looking - call up an old friend for a meal.

It'll be worth it.