Lessons from The Past

“I need someone whom I can admire and look up to…”

And that was it. The end. The conversation lasted a little longer, as I tried to reason, to try and convince her that we would be happy together and how much I loved her. But the decision was final. She said she was sorry that she had to do it over the phone, and I hung up a little while after. Later that day I found out that she had found someone else, and was now in a relationship.

Sally had never been my girlfriend. Just someone whom I really adored and thought would be ‘the one’ for me. I was crushed though. We had dated awhile, and I thought that things were progressing well. I had devoted so much of my life trying to win her over, and now she didn’t want me anymore. Seemed like my whole world just went dark. Overseas, in a foreign country, I didn’t really have anyone to turn to except ironically, over the phone too.

“Why is this happening to me?” “It’s not fair.” “I’ve put in so much effort.” “She’s making a mistake.” “If only she could see me face to face, maybe things would be different…” The thoughts went on and on. The pain and bitterness came next. My constant companions over the next few days and weeks, I shut myself out and listened only to them.

Time passed, and eventually though, I came to my senses and started thinking again. I had always been interested in attraction and relationships, but this painful experience taught me firsthand so many things that I had only read about before. Looking back, I realize there was so much to learn beyond all the self pity and grief that had blinded me:

1. Effort is not a guarantee for success in dating. One could put in years of blood and sweat, but if the wrong things are being done, it will probably still end in failure.
2. If there is a place where effort is necessary, it’s internal effort. Focus internally on becoming a better and more attractive person, instead of focusing attention outwards. (e.g. Learn to speak powerfully and confidently instead of telling her lines that you think will make her laugh and impress her)
3. For the guys: Be someone whom she can look up to and admire. Be her leader, inspiration and source of strength. Don’t be ‘too nice’, bend over backwards to grant her every desire, or try to ‘understand’ every single detail about her. That is a job for her female BFF, not you.
4. Always remember that dating is a 2-way situation where both parties assess their suitability for each other. Never be desperate or pursue someone as if you can’t live without them. You can.
5. Sometimes, things are just not meant to be between two people. It’s just a part of life. Realize when it’s time to move on. Mr. or Ms. Right could be just around the corner if you bother to look.

Action point: Look deep into yourself for failures and bad experiences you buried long ago and tried to forget. Forgetting does not make us stronger or wiser. But accepting what has passed and learning from it does. Accept that those experiences will always be a part of you; but only in the sense that you have learnt from your mistakes, healed the wounds and moved on.

Thank you Sally.